Today I packed the following meals for work:

8am:   FibreOne cereal with skim milk and a few berries
10am:  fatfree yogurt & cottage cheese with a few berries
12pm:  wholewheat wrap with lettuce, pork tenderloin and mustard
3pm:   2 hard boiled eggs
6pm:  likely an eggwhite omelete with veggies and ham
9pm: likely a protein shake mixed with milk & berries

I went for a walk with my wife last night and my back was really seized within a few blocks – not sure why.  I’m going to reacquaint myself with the gym tonight and hit the bike and/or treadmill for 30 mins or so, not going too hard, and see how I do.

So this evening, my beautiful wife Sherry asks me to go for a short walk.  It’s a great evening, so I took some decent antinflamatories, and went for a short stroll/hobble.  Within a block or so, my back was aching and I was sweating.  Really felt out of shape.  Actually, I’m VERY MUCH out of shape.

So I decided late evening, after stewing about how lousy I was feeling, to go to the gym and weigh in.  And the verdict?  245 lbs.  Largest I’ve ever been!  WTF indeed.

I left the gym, went to the grocery store, and loaded up on somewhat healthy choices.  Gotta take a serious run and getting stable – emotionally and physically.  Ughhh!

Friggin depression is grabbing me.  Here is what’s on my mind these days:

• I have gout right now.  Yes, I’m on meds to prevent gout.  But I have gout.  I’m trying to drink more water to counter it.
• We blew the transmission in our 2003 Grand Caravan Sunday.  $3000 to fix.  The van isn’t worth that.  But we owe $2000 in payments still.  Tried to buy a new vehicle, but our credit doesn’t allow us to buy something decent without a really high interest rate.
• Went for the results of my sleep study.  I don’t have obstructive sleep apnea – I apparently stopping breathing on my own – I actually hold my breath every few minutes when I’m sleeping.  Apparently drug abuse or heavy pain medication can cause that.  Neither is an issue for me.  They’re trying to fugure that out!
• I weigh as much as ever, and feel fatter than ever.  Too depressed to find much motivation to do anything about it.
• My job doesn’t feel secure.  Just not getting a good vibe from it.

Other than that, life is pretty good!  Ughhh.

Seriously though, the weekends are a killer for me.  I tend to overeat at any opportunity.  This weekend I’ll try to focus on smarter choices. 

My dog’s looking fat.  Canadian winters, coupled with a lazy owner, will do that to a dog.  No excuses this weekend, though, as the forecast is above freezing right through until at least Monday.  Guess I have little excuse – I’ll have Angus out for longer, more frequent strolls – mark my words.

Gotta go now – I’m still at work and my boss is circling like a hawk – so have a great weekend everyone!

So on the way back to the office, I’m feeling the hunger.  My gut is rumbling more than the dump truck in front of me.  So like a robot, I steer into China King, an all-you-can-stomach buffet place.   As I was parking, and looking in the glovebox for a bib to wear, it hit me.  What a horrible choice I was about to make.  I actually trembled for about 10 seconds or so, with hands glued to the steering wheel, pondering if I should get out and go stuff my pie-hole.  Finally, common sense won, and off I went to the local Pita Pit for a souvlaki wrap on whole wheat.  I washed it down with a diet cola.  It wasn’t the chicken-fried rice covered in sweet-and-sour sauce, but it was the right choice to make.

I’ve always read that it’s all about choices.  Making the right ones are tough, and it looks like I won the latest battle in what will be an all-out war. And it saved me from wearing a bib and embarrassingly pulling my chair right up to the chinese buffet table.

Maybe it’s those small things that get you through the transformation journey, I don’t know.  If so, I’m on the road to recovery, one small step at a time.

Thanks for reading…

I came across the word SHAME this morning when I was browsing back to the start of Fat Daddy’s transformation at Fat Daddy Rants.  He mentioned how he felt/feels shame at being so fat.  Boom, it hit me like a brick. 

Shame pretty much sums up everything about my many attempts at weight loss, and how embarrassed I feel for my wife and kids when they see me the way I am - it’s gotta be tough to have a dad/husband so obese.  Yeah, I know they love me lots, but still…  And even worse, they know that I’m slowly killing myself through self-sabotage.

Special thanks goes to Fat Daddy Rants, even though he doesn’t know it.  I spent a couple hours reading his posts, and stopping to think how his life was so similar to mine.  Same lifestyle, same age, same weight, same family background…  I gotta admit, I was in tears numerous times, and chuckling others.  Quite the journey, and it’s inspirational motivation in knowing it can be done.  He’s found a way to lose weight, find health, and stick with it.  I just hope and pray that I can get back at it and do the same.

By the way, I quickly editted my links list.  It’s not meant as a slight that I’ve taken most of my links off – I still follow a ton of blogs – but I just linked to the most inspirational blogs of guys just like me that I could find.  These guys truly have done amazing things.  They were just the handful off the top of my head – I’ll add more in the next few days.

So I’m back, doing what I’ve done numerous times before – starting fresh.  Shame is what’s leading the bandwagon this time around, at least to start.  Pride is what I hope to find in some success in this transformational journey.